I have a friend who lives a more cerebral life than most of us, I believe, and we’ve been agreeing to disagree about writing style. She prefers a pretty straightforward accounting of conversations and thought and incident. I like more emphasis on the emotional impact of conversation and thought and incident. Of course, this has nothing to do with what is correct and everything to do with personal preference.
Let’s look at two examples. Here’s what my friend would prefer:
When George was nine years old, he overheard his aunts talking on the back porch. “You can just look at him and see he doesn’t belong.”
“That black hair. Where does that come from?”
“And that nose. Nobody else in the family has a nose like that.”
Aunt Violet lowered her voice even further. “And the lips.”
And so George found out he was not an Emerson after all.
Here’s what I would write:
George’s life-long dread of being found out began when he was nine years old. He’d left the rowdy game of hide and seek with his cousins to go inside to the bathroom. As he came out, he bent over to retie his shoe just inside the kitchen door and heard Aunt Violet and Aunt Maggie talking on the back porch. If they hadn’t lowered their voices to a conspiratorial murmur, he’d have just tied his shoe and then burst out onto the porch to re-enter the game, but the smug tone caught his ear.
“You can just look at him and see he doesn’t belong.”
“That black hair. Where does that come from?”
“And that nose. Nobody else in the family has a nose like that.”
George touched a finger to his nose. They meant him. Because his cousins were all tow-heads with tiny button noses. He’d noticed that a while back, but he’d just thought they were cute and he maybe not so cute.
Aunt Violet lowered her voice even further. “And the lips.”
“Not an Emerson. Can’t be,” Aunt Maggie said.
George saw his parents through the screen door, Mama pouring lemonade, Dad tending the grill. Neither one of them had hair like his. Or a nose like his. Did they know? Did they know he wasn’t a real Emerson?
The reason I like the second example better is that I’m more interested in the personal, the individual, the emotional. I need more visualization and more of the character’s internal responses to get the involvement I want as a reader. But that’s just me.
Gretchen Craig 